Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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