i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
