I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
