I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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