somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
