I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize