Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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