Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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