I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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