i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
