Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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