I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
