I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I could fuck to npr.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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