I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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