my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
