You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
