Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
