sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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