i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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