i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
