You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
