Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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