I feel like I'm in dance class right now
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
