he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize