Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
