I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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