I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
