I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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