Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
As shirtless as possible
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
