So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
