The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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