"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
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