my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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