I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
