my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
