I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
God, I missed his penis.
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