i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
