Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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