The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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