Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You should frame my arrest warrant.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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