Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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