Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
