i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
