i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
