Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You're like the curious george of whores
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
