When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
