i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
