He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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