so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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