I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
