I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
