I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
