I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
