I want to walk on stilts...naked
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
