Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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