my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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