apparently the secret to your success is patron
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
