Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Randomize
