i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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