fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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