ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
And then he peed in my hair
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
