so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
