just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
